Date:	2007-03-26 23:22
Subject:	awakening
Security:	Public
Mood:	excited

I was living in ignorance.I now realize it.true.utter. ignorance.But , thanks to my faithful friend youtube, that is no longer the case. Ladies and gentlemen i have discovered Miyavi.I had never heard of him up till recently,but thank God that was remedied. should i shock you more? i never knew of Gackt either.. actually to be quite honest i wouldn't have recognized jrock , or a jrock artist even if they'd have danced the conga naked in front of me.
  So i proudly announce the broadening of my cultural horizon.

      I'm afraid i'm going to be depressive. I really really didn't want to talk about this but it just keeps bugging me. It's  like i have a sumo wrestler pounding against the door of my consciousness , begging to be let in : i Can't ignore him. 
      So here is my problem: i think i have emotional issues and here's why: it all revolves around the word tragedy . let me spell that again TRAGEDY, and my lack of feeling towards my own tragedies.The thing is, i seem to feel more for other peoples tragedies than for my own . hmmm..no i should rephrase it ..i seem to feel more for Imaginary tragedies than for my own real  ones. For example: if an Imaginary character dies or goes through a heartbreaking experience , then  the bloody Niagara Falls are  pouring out of my eyes; if someone close to me suffers,or  i am in a difficult position,then i just feel sad, confused or depressed , but i don't cry even  half as much as i do when an Imaginary( aka: Not real, doesn't affect anyone, no real suffering...no one is hurt)disaster happens.
      I really think that there is something profoundly wrong with this .It's simply not natural to feel devastated when something unjust occurs  to someone that doesn't exist , and just silently deal with a feeling of sadness when something that has an impact on you happens.
      The only explanation that i can find for this problem is that the the magnitude of the tragedy is different in each case. Usually everything is far more dramatic in a make-believe world..therefor  it has more of an impact on the human mind.At least i hope that  that is the reason for my unnatural reaction(where's Freud when you need him?!) otherwise i can wholeheartedly declare that i'm at a loss ....I don't suppose anyone else has analyzed this? Or at least experienced it?
       Lovely shrinks here i come(as soon as i can afford it :) ).

You know how there are story's that you read,watch,or read about in this case ,that form the moment you first meet the characters and get a glimpse of what's going on, you simply feel that it's going to end in tears. It's a gut feeling, and you know that  half way through  the  novel/anime/summary your mind will be screaming at you to stop your  masochistic actions and close the book/shut down your computer. Do you listen?   No.  . And i have No idea why you don't take your mind's rational, sensible, helpful advice, but i know i refuse to listen to my mind because(besides being absolutely captivated by the story) i also hope, deeep deep down(but not deep enough  to no longer be aware of it) ,that maybe..just maybe ...the ending won't rip my heart out. 
 Obviously i'm an optimistic ,delusional idiot. The most relevant example is my approach to Mirage of Blaze. After i first saw the anime i thought that Naoe and Kagetora might have a 'happily ever after' ending; a chance might just  exist .(told you i'm delusional).So as my obsession with MoB started to grow(and how beautifully it has grown ,too)i realized that the anime didn't cover even half of the true story, that it downplayed their dramatic relationship, and that the novel(which i haven't read because 1. i live in romania and i have no way of getting it and 2. i can't read japanese) was much more complex. Fanatic reading of every summary and translation of the volumes shattered all my feeble hopes of a happy ending.
 And here i ask: why ohh why do i dare to hope? I am after all a sucker for drama, i love the angst ,the complete mind-fuck that is a complex relationship( Naoe/ Kagetora), so why do i still hope for a 'happy ever' after?